The Chronicles of Jar Jar
by Black Jellyfish
Summary: Jar Jar Binks becomes the greatest Jedi who ever lived.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Enter The Gungan

The Separatist droids have all been deployed. They have been expecting a small army of primitive Gungans to mow down. Little did they know that they have but one enemy to face: Jar Jar Binks.

The tall and proud creature faces off the swarm of enemy droids, a smile on his orange face and his golden eyes giving off a sharp gleam. He flaps his Haillu, or ear flaps. It is showtime.

Bending over, he slams his right fist into the ground. The resulting shockwave obliterates half of the droid army. The other half observes the carnage created. by this single Gungan.

All droids present have been programmed to always confront the enemy and keep fighting, even if they face imminent destruction. Nevertheless, they fearfully drop their weapons and run away from the wrath of Jar Jar.

This is something that the proud warrior will not allow. He performs a spinning roundhouse kick in the air. Even though not a single fleeing droid has been hit by Jar Jar's foot, they are all sliced in half by the sheer power of the technique.

Jar Jar looks up to see a few ships flying directly add him. The foremost one fires it's b;aster cannon. Annoyed, the Gungan slaps the projectile away, causing it to travel 1,456 kilometers to the side.

Jar Jar leaps into the air and grabs the ship before hefting it in both hands. He flies at the other two ships, smashing each of them in half with his improvised club. He suddenly remembers; the keystone of the Separatist fleet is the Trade Federation's Droid Control Ship.

Dropping the ship in his hands, Jar Jar flies up. Six seconds later, he in outer space. He can see the control ship; a hulking ring with a sphere in the middle. He grabs another enemy ship before ripping out it's blaster cannon. With a single kick from the Gungan, the ship detonates.

Unharmed by the explosion, Jar Jar faces the control ship and fires once with hi blaster cannon. Once the bolt connects, the entire control ship explodes, catching all of the enemy ships in the blast radius.

Jar Jar thinks that he may as well check up on the Jedi in the royal palace on Naboo. It takes him seven seconds to fly back down to the planet, and three seconds to travel to the palace and smash himself through the thick walls.

He quickly finds his Jedi friends, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, engaged in battle with black-clothed monster wielding a red, double-bladed lightsaber. "Yo!" The Gungan shouts. Each of the combatants top their battle to look at Jar Jar, who throws a punch.

The monster is thrown back until he hits the wall, cracking his head open. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan look at Jar Jar in awe. "You sent him flying without even directly hitting him with your fist!" shouts Obi-Wan. "And you killed that Sith! How is that possible!?"

The Gungan grins and folds his arms. "Because mesa Jar Jar Binks!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Jedi Council

The heroic Jar Jar Binks stands before the esteemed Jedi Council. He has traded his dirty and worn clothes for a gray wool robe, and he is currently facing Master Yoda. The little green alien runs a hand across his head and declares, "Something about you, we shall discuss."

"Is it about a meteor?" Jar Jar asks with a groan. "Mesa already punch one of those back into space." A moment of silence. Then Mace Windu says, "No, Jar Jar. We have heard of your immense power. You swiftly obliterated an entire droid army. You detonated the Droid Control Ship single-handedly. You defeated the dreaded Sith Lord. We cannot allow such talent to go unwasted."

"Make you a Jedi," Yoda says, "We want to." Jar Jar has never felt so excited. He can join the ranks of his friends, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan! "What should mesa do?" He asks. "There is-a training, right?"

"Oh, yes." Yoda smiles. "You will have to endure many year's worth of learning and practicing before…" The old master's voice trails off as he realizes that the Gungan has already left the room.

In one more moment, Jar Jar returns to the room and simply says, "I'm done." The eyes of each Jedi present bulge out of their sockets. "You mean," Mace questions incredulously, "you completed the entire training period for a Jedi within a few seconds?!"

Jar Jar nods and pulls something out of his pocket. It looks like a steel pen, but a blue lightsaber blade protrudes from one end at the push of a button. The overall length of the blade is only two inches, but the Gungan confidently gestures towards himself.

Every other Jedi in the room activates his or her lightsaber before rushing at Jar Jar and swinging. The Gungan masterfully blocks every one of these swings and delivers a punch to the face of each of the Jedi, who are all on the ground writhing in a third of a second.

Jar Jar stands in front of the downed Yoda. "Say you love mesa." Yoda obediently gets up so as to bow and say, "Love you, I do. Supreme master, you are."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: First Mission

Jar Jar is flying through space. He has been ordered to go on his first mission; the elimination of the Hutt Syndicate and the planet Tacta. It is only a short distance away from Coruscant.

A ship could have reached Tacto in a day's' worth of time. By simply gliding though space without any oxygen, Jar Jar Binks can reach Tacto in half an hour.

Jar Jar lands upon the ground of the planet to find that it has green skies and purple grass. Unfortunately, there is a torrential downpour of purple rain as well. Jar Jar does not approve of this.

The Gungan looks up at the rainclouds and sneers at them. Subsequently and suddenly, the clouds dissipate, allowing the area to be bathed in sunlight.

With a satisfied grin, Jar Jar begins to run. It is not long before he reaches a speed of 60 miles per hour. It takes only five minutes for Jar Jar to find what he is looking for; the giant palace that serves as the base of operations for the Hutt syndicate.

The palace stands about twenty stories high. According to the information provided to Jar Jar by the Jedi Council, the building has thirty blaster cannons attached to it and contains about two hundred soldiers and mercenaries.

The Gungan takes a look at the gold Rolex on his left wrist. It is 10:00 in the morning! Lunch at the Jedi Temple is in another hour! He cannot afford to just enter the palace and make a proper sweep!

Jar Jar Binks knows what to do. He extends one finger on his right hand and points it upward. Accordingly, the palace lifts itself off the ground and travels sixty feet into the sky.

Jar Jar snaps the fingers on his left hand, and the entire palace is ripped asunder by an enormous explosion. The sky is filled with bright orange and yellow flames as little pieces of the building fly over the landscape.

Jar Jar waits until the fire and smoke goes out before snapping his right fingers, causing every piece of debris to vanish into nothingness. He lets out a loud whoop as he pumps his fists in victory.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Traitor

After his victory over the Hutt syndicate, Jar Jar decides to take a break in one of the villages on this planet Tacta. He is, after all, the only Jedi allowed to take regular vacations. He finally comes across the village of Wornma.

The area is covered with quaint, tan-colored tents. In the center is a two-story high stone building, obviously of the home of the chieftain. These livings structures cannot hold a candle to the ornate wooden mansion Jar Jar single-handedly built at the age of five, but they are still interesting.

Jar Jar strolls through the village, and each of the little green Tactans get on their knees when they gaze upon the magnificent Jedi Master, who suddenly feels someone tap his shoulder.

He turns around to see a smaller human male dressed in Jedi robes. The human smiles and says, "Hello, Master Binks. I am Zeddy. I have been ordered to follow you. I was supposed to aid you in destroying the syndicate, but thankfully you have already finished the mission."

Jar Jar gives Zeddy and continues to walk through Wornma, allowing the human to follow him. Eventually, they are stopped by a Tactan with an elaborate golden robe stretched across his green body. He is holding a long object wrapped in cloth.

"Lord Jar Jar," he pants, "thank you for liberating our planet of the Hutt syndicate." He holds out the wrapped item to Jar Jar, who accepts it. The Gungan strips away the cloth to see that the item is a sword.

The weapon has a curved blade and a long hilt to accommodate both hands. The sheath has the color of red wine, the handle is crimson, and the circular guard is made of brass. Jar Jar unsheathes the sword to find that it has a beautiful pink blade. The weapon feels like an extension of his arm and light as a feather.

"That is the Beraki Katana," says the Tactan. "A sacred keepsake of our people. May its serve you well. Also…" He reaches into his pocket to withdraw a shining blue gem. "This is the Gazuk diamond, the only one of it's kind.. I wish to give it to you."

Zeddy suddenly lunges forward, knocking the Tactan down and snatching the Gazuk diamond, which he raises triumphantly in the air. "Ha ha," she shouts. "I led you to believe I was the Jedi Zeddy, Jar Jar, but I am actually the rogue Jedi known as Zed!"

Jar Jar reaches into his pocket, but cannot feel his miniature lightsaber. He looks up to see Zed smash the item between his fingers. What a pickpocket!

The devious Zed withdraws his own lightsaber and activates it, summoning it's golden blade. With an evil chuckle, the Rogue Jedi swings his lightsaber, only for Jar Jar to parry the blow with his Beraki Katana. Jar Jar swings his sword three times, and the body of Zed is split into twelve pieces.

As Jar Jar bends down to retrieve the Gazuk diamond from what is left of the evil Zed, the Tactan gapes in shock. "The Beraki Katana never had that sort of power before!" he exclaims. "How is it possible for you to deflect a lightsaber with a metal sword?!"

Jar Jar Binks looks upon the Tactan and smiles. "Because mesa Jar Jar Binks!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Sacrifice

Jar Jar Binks has returned to Coruscant and is currently standing on the very top of the Jedi Temple, fiercely gripping his magnificent Beraki Katana. The sun is shining bright and the city is bustling.

Abruptly, Jar Jar sees a silver rocket heading towards the Temple from three hundred feet away. With shock, he senses that the rocket is piloted by a badly stitched up, but living, Zed.

Jar Jar looks down. At this rate, Zed will drive his missile through the window and into the Temple, killing everything inside. The noble Gungan knows what must be done to save his Jedi brethren.

He unsheathes the Beraki Katana and jumps off the roof. Within a few seconds he is directly between the rocket and the window. He places his feet on the window and thrusts his Beraki Katana forward, piercing through the rocket and stopping its movement entirely.

Jar Jar Binks leaps into the air, still holding the rocket on his Beraki Katana. Within six seconds, the noble Jedi has reached outer space. The rocket explodes, incinerating the body of the lovely Jar Jar.

Fear not. By dying, Jar Jar Binks has merged with the Force itself. He has become the living God of the entire universe.

Jar Jar can now see every planet, and he is happy to see that millions of beings on those planets are mourning him and paying him tribute. He saves Coruscant best for last, and is absolutely delighted to see that the Jedi have already constructed a monument to him.

It is made of pure gold, and depicts Jar Jar standing over the body of the fallen Darth Maul, his Beraki Katana pointed in the sky. Thanks to his newfound omnipotence, Jar Jar knows that an entire division will be made in the government of Coruscant to keep the statue free of dirt and vandalism at all times.

Jar Jar happily giggles, and throughout the universe, every living being, be it a human or Twi'lek or tree, says, "Mesa Jar Jar Binks."


End file.
